Hidup itu Sederhana

Hidup itu sederhana. 

Tujuan kita di dunia ini pun sederhana: Untuk mensyukuri nikmat Tuhan, hidup selurus-lurusnya, menyebarkan kebaikan, menahan diri dari luapan-luapan nafsu, dan mempersiapkan hidup setelah mati. Sederhana. 

Tapi kenapa kita, atau mungkin saya, pada sebagian besar hidup ini justru lebih suka membuatnya terasa sulit? Saya gunakan kata ‘terasa’, karena tingkat kesulitan itu a matter of perspective. Saya juga sedang mempersulit pembaca yang budiman dengan menggunakan bahasa campur-campur seperti ini. Tapi saya suka, dan sepertinya saya tidak bisa tidak untuk tidak mempersulit diri saya sendiri. (… see?)

Kebanyakan dari kita lebih suka merumitkan gaya bahasa, membelit-belitkan proses kerja, mencemplungkan diri ke keadaan yang ‘tampak’ rumit, mengatakan ‘ya’ pada hubungan yang complicated, dimana sesungguhnya kita bisa mengambil pilihan yang lebih sederhana, lebih enteng dan less-stresfull. Kenapa? Nah, kenapa ya? 

Jawabannya sederhana. Karena kita percaya bahwa kerumitan bukanlah pilihan.

Berdamai dengan Keraguan

source

Ada satu hal yang berkelindan di pikiran saya pagi ini, panjang, memutar-mutar, dan mengakar. Ia hasil kontemplasi saya atas pilihan hidup yang sudah saya putuskan, dan akan saya ambil. Tapi kali ini bukan  lahir dari kegalauan, lahirnya tidak ditandai badai, melainkan udara lembut dan senyum manis. Hangat. Hampir kudus, malah.

Pagi ini keraguan saya mendadak hilang. Senyap. Tak ada suara-suara ganjil yang menusuk di hati saat saya memikirkan jalan-jalan itu, yang gerbangnya akan saya masuki, sebentar lagi.  Tidak ada. Yang ada hanya keheningan yang menyenangkan. Membebaskan.

Kenapa tiba-tiba keraguan saya memutuskan angkat kaki pagi tadi? Bukannya saya tidak mencoba sebelumnya untuk meredakan keraguan itu. Saya sudah memberikan argumentasi terbaik tempo hari disini. Tapi ternyata saat itu, argumentasi tidaklah cukup.  Kenapa sekarang?

Lalu saya berdialog dengan hati. 

Mungkin, Kesadaran tak memberi kita cukup ruang untuk mengurai keraguan atas pilihan yang akan kita ambil. Mungkin kesadaran hanya memungkinkan kita memikirkan konsekuensi atas sebuah pilihan, bukan meredakan keraguan. Mungkin, selama ini, Kesadaran hanya mampu menenggelamkan keraguan ke sungai hitam di otak kita.

Tapi keraguan yang tenggelam itu tidak mati. It’s very much alive. Dia hanya didorong ke sudut gelap, diberi makanan dengan setengah hati, dan disodok-sodok saat berani menyembul ke permukaan.  (Saat naik ke permukaan, kita lalu merasa terdzolimi, sakit hati, bingung, galau)

Tapi kita tidak bertanya kenapa dia tidak mati. Kita cukup puas dengan memaki-maki. Lalu seperti seluruh hal buruk yang terjadi pada diri kita, anggap saja ‘dosa’ itu tak pernah terjadi, dan segera nurani kita merasa lebih baik.

Hmm…

Tapi mungkin, menghilangkan keraguan itu memang bukan wilayah Kesadaran kita. Mungkin memang Kesadaran tidak punya cukup wewenang untuk menenangkan atau menghilangkan keraguan yang ada. Mungkin tugas Kesadaran memang menyodok Keraguan ke sudut-sudut otak. Mungkin memang keraguan itu seperti dosa yang sering kita lupakan dan kemudian (maunya) benar-benar hilang sering berjalannya waktu.

Mungkin.

Mungkinkah Keyakinan itu adalah bebannya Jiwa, dan bukan Kesadaran?

Mungkin kita seharusnya menunda pertikaian Kesadaran atas pilihan-pilihan yang tersedia. Biarkan saja proses memilih itu menjadi sedemikian rupa galau dan panjangnya, sedemikian resah dan gelisahnya, hingga sampai di satu titik saat Jiwa akhirnya mampu memilih sendiri jalannya, lalu kita pun yakin. Terpuaskan.

Mungkin…

Saya berhenti disitu. Rasanya tidak perlu lagi saya berusaha memaknai apa yang saya alami. Jiwa saya sudah mengambil pilihan.

Dan saat jiwa akhirnya memilih, seluruh resah terasa tak berarti lagi.

Ragu dihapus. Habis. Punah. Alhamdulillah.

@dinarkarani

Pilihan: Sebuah Pengungkapan Diri

Ketika saya bangun pagi tadi, saya merasa tidak ajeg, merasa tipis, merasa lelah dan hampir putus-asa. Lagi? Pikir saya. Sebab ini bukan kali pertama saya merasakan hal yang sama. Jika kamu bisa membaca seluruh kisah saya dalam novel berseri, maka buku itu pasti sudah ingin kamu lempar sekarang, karena masalah-nya berkutat di hal yang itu-itu lagi, tidak berkembang.

Bagaimana ya, hidup di dunia nyata itu tidak ada tombol pause, kita tak bisa hapus paragraph seenaknya, atau memilih happy ending dalam setiap fase, bahkan kita tidak bisa memilih masalah apa yang akan dihadapi si tokoh utama minggu depan (kalau menciptakan masalah bisa).  Saya, ternyata, bukan penulis kisah saya sendiri.

Semuanya bermula sejak beberapa tahun yang lalu. Dimana saya masih merasa lugu, tidak tahu apa-apa mengenai hidup, dan hanya ingin berusaha untuk mengenal diri sendiri dan tujuan hidup saya. (Tulisan-tulisan saya di awal pengembaraan itu bisa dilihat disini, disini, dan disini.)

Dalam setiap akhir perjalanan kontemplasi saya, saya selalu dapat memungut sebuah makna. Baru atau Lama. Baru, jika itu adalah makna baru atau makna tambahan yang memperkuat makna sebelumnya. Lama, jika itu hanya mengingatkan saya atas makna yang pernah saya ambil sebelumnya.

Sebetulnya hidup itu (seharusnya) penuh dengan kontemplasi. Karena meski jasad kita hidup di tataran fisik, jiwa kita merindukan jembatan transendental, dialog ilahiah. Jiwa kita lapar dan haus untuk menapaki tangga itu, selalu.

Maka ijinkan saya untuk berkontemplasi lagi pagi ini. Mengingat dengan jernih jalur-jalur yang saya pilih, hal-hal yang saya abaikan, yang akhirnya menempatkan saya pada titik terendah, palung terdalam.

Jalur-jalur Yang Saya Tempuh:

1. Saya menikah. Dan untuk keputusan ini, saya mengabaikan kesempatan kuliah.
2. Saya memiliki standar yang tinggi. Dan untuk keputusan ini, saya punya biaya hidup yang tinggi.
3. Saya memilih suami yang berwirausaha. Dan untuk keputusan ini, saya harus bekerja di luar rumah.
4. Saya memilih berkarir. Dan untuk keputusan ini, saya harus bekerja all-out dan meninggalkan keluarga, mencari peluang-peluang untuk terus naik .
5. Saya memiliki anak. Dan untuk keputusan ini, saya menggadaikan kesehatan jiwa dan raga saya. Membagi pikiran saya antara anak dan urusan kantor, membagi peran saya antara Ibu dan Karyawan.

Saya merasa tipis, lelah, dan hampir putus asa. Lelah saya tak berhenti di kantor, lelah saya harus dibawa sampai besok pagi, lelah saya harus menunggu saat kedua manik-mata anak saya menatap lekat dengan rindu. Lalu segala lelah saya menumpuk, sedikit-sedikit, menjadi bola salju.

Tuhan, sungguh saya semakin lelah. 

 Ya, saya tahu, pada akhirnya saya harus memilih.

Dan saya tahu apa yang harus saya pilih.

Tapi saya takut.

Saya pengecut. 

Saya tidak ingin kehilangan standar hidup yang saya jalani. Saya takut terjebak dalam kemiskinan (there I said it!). Saya takut menggantungkan diri pada suami saya (there I said it!). Saya takut masa depan saya tidak seindah harapan (there and there, I finally said it..)

Sejenak berdiam diri. Mencerna. Bernafas lega. Demikian lega, karena akhirnya saya bisa jujur pada diri sendiri.

Lalu tiba-tiba air mata jatuh dan menderas.

Ya, Tuhan.. Saya ringkih, dan kini saya menyadari itu. Saya tidak dapat mengatur diri saya sendiri, dan kini saya menyadari itu. Saya lemah, dan kini saya menyadari itu..

Tuhan,
hamba titipkan seluruh hidup hamba ditangan-Mu,
pilihkan jalan terbaik,
teguhkan bahu hamba,
tegapkan langkah hamba,
isilah hati hamba dengan ketenangan…

Epilog:

Sesungguhnya Tuhan telah menciptakan kita dengan ratusan bahkan puluh-ribuan takdir, atau mungkin juga tak-hingga. Takdir-takdir itu telah dijamin oleh Yang Maha Mengetahui, dan tidak seharusnya kita merasa sendirian dan putus asa. Pilihan-pilihan yang kita ambil, hanya semata-mata membuka lembar takdir yang mau tak mau akan kita jalani, entah dari buku yang mana.

Ingat saja, bahwa seluruh buku takdir kita ditulis oleh Tangan Yang Maha Indah, dan Ia adalah Penulis yang paling baik.

Ikuti kata hati. Lepaskan rasa takut.

"The Road Not Taken"

Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less travelled by,
And that has made all the difference.

@dinarkarani

Loveletter

I will never forget the day that we finally meet. A day worth remembering for a lifetime.
The day I hug my God-sent Angel...

You may not know it yet, but I thank you for being here with me. For needing me. For showing me what true love is.

Thank you for teaching me how to live, how to love, how to worry, how to cry, how to mad, and above all how to be a better person.

Our journey will not be easy, but we'll manage. You and I, we are going to be a great team. I'm sure of it!

One day when you finally understand this words, would you please hold me and say "Imma, I love you?"

You are and will always be my muse.

@dinarkarani

A Letter to all the Working Dad, from a Working Mom

We enjoy being a working mom.
And we feel okay of being a part-time mom, even though it wasn't the idea at first.
It's okay if we had to work outside of home to help the cashflow positive, even though we'd prefer to watch our kids grow every single day. 
We are fine with that.

But wouldn't it lovely, if people stop putting pressure on us to become a SUPERMOM? Because Supermom is a bullshit made from the wrong set of idea about women equality.

Crazy Checklist

One person can't possibly do everything perfectly, housework and works duty. Something is going to be sacrificed. Well, you can't put all the responsibility on one shoulder and hope everything went well. There's no way it gonna work. Either we'll wither and go nuts, or our marriage will go into dust, or our kid will be destined to go to rehab facility. On all scenario, no body's win.

We need help. We need YOUR help to make this duo life achievable.

And it's not much, really.
Just give us a hand in making up the bed, or washing all the used-bottle, or even let us sleep without interruption (other than to feed our baby). It shows us that you are not a selfish son of a son. It shows us that we are really on this together, and you do care!

The pressure of being EVERYTHING for EVERYBODY is too much for a woman. I bet if you were in our shoes, you would feel just the same.
And we didn't say that we want you to be responsible for everything, no, Sir, no!
It's just a small favor, but a small favor that matters.

Love you


@dinarkarani

My Birth Story

My son is almost 5 months old today, only five days away. He is now a very active, very handsome baby, and the growth milestone is unvelievably hits. He is laughing, rolling over easily, start eating rice cereal, mastering his head and arms movement, and just a little bit away from sitting up. I'm so proud of Arik!

I write this blog while watching him asleep. Wow... How my life has changed since he joined our family.

And then it struck me. I haven't write anything about him, while he is the biggest part of my life! So here it is, a Mother's tale!

My Birth Story

It was December 10, 2012, almost two weeks after I take my maternal leave. I was 38 weeks pregnant and so eager to let Arik's out.

Being 38 weeks pregnant is so uncomfortable, I went sick of my pregnancy, my big belly and the back ache and the false contractions. I walk on the treadmill everyday with so much determination just to get the contraction going.

So when I feel series of mild contractions in the afternoon of December 10th, I was soooo happy and leave to hospital in a hurry. Lufi is a SIAGA husband, and he drove me to the hospital which took an hours drive from our home.

In the way to the hospital (RS Hermina Arcamanik), my body was sweating, I was very nervous, and ofcourse in a growing pain of occuring contraction. And I remember thinking, how if it's just another false labor, and the hospital send me back? How agonizing the wait will be! And when my true contraction came, what if I start to labor on a car on the way to the hospital?? I don't want to deliver this baby on a car!(I was a devoted viewer of Discovery Home and Health on my maternal leave, so forgive the drama, hehe) And thus, and added stressor.

My husband check on me from time to time. Hold my hand in every stops. And encouraging me that everything would be just fine and that I will manage. But I can see the look in his eyes, and he was just as nervous as I was. Hahaha

We arrived in the hospital at 8.15 pm. When we came to the front office and explain our situation, the front officer called the nurse station immediately. No question asked. And ding! An elevator door opened with a mobile chair for me. The nurse was supportive, and I was brought to the second floor, the labor room, on a chair.

Aaannndd I remember my heart was beating soo much faster as we treaded the walkway to the labor room. I couldn't believe that it was actually happening! To me! OMG OMG OMG, I'm becomming a mother!

By the Love of God, it was the most exciting moment of my life!


The Observation 

The nurse brought me to observation room. They had to check my contraction interval to determine whether I will go into labor pronto or not. Because by the book, the labor is only happen when we start to have a mild to strong contraction one minute in duration with 4 minutes interval each. I was only having 4 contraction on the way to the hospital. So they gear me up with a monitor and told me to wait.
Hell yeah I'll wait.

After waiting for almost half an hour (felt like forever), they check me back and realize that I only have -again- not enough contraction. They bell my belly to wake my baby up, just perhaps he was so drousy to move his butt. They wait for 15(ish) more minutes to see any development before they decided to check my dilation.

I was a mere 2cm dilated...

I was moooree than pissed to my self. It was like a mix of painful, eagerness, and nervous, dissapointed at the same time.

But thankfully,÷15 minutes later, one of the nurse told me that they called the doctor, and she would visit me at 10 pm. The nurse gave me a tip that I had to undegone an acceleration procedure, coz I was 2cm dilated in a week now and it's dangerous for my baby. (What! But my OB never mentioned it to me before!)

Apparently on the last visit (5 days before), my OB had stripe my lining. It's a procedure of thinning the plug in birth cannal and force contraction, and as a consequence I was start to dilated. I didn't know that  because she told me that I had no dilation at first, and after the procedure I think she forgot to mention that striping means I was left with 2cm opening.

After signing an MoU of having an Acceleration procedure, my doctor came to check my opening and stripe me again (I cant describe how painful that procedure were!), and the nurse came to put a balloon like device to my birth canal.

I thank my husband for being there with me when all of those procedure were taken place, because I couldn't bear the pain if it wasn't for him holding my hand all the way, whispering encouraging words.
And that was the agonizing first part of my birth story. A mere 2 hours from my check in. And it wasn't really started yet.


The Horrible-Agonizing-Pain

Right after the insertion, they transferred us to a bigger room. Pretty cozy and has an airy feel to it. I was a cool labor room, with sophisticated equipments, but I didn't feel threatened at all. (well to be honest I think I was threatened by a long scissor they put in a tray, hehe). I like the room very much, too bad I didn't keep a photo of it.

The accelerator was serious about the name. Contractions after another was kicking in, each was increasingly painful.

I walk about the room for a while to ease the pain, but around 11:30pm, I decided that I have a better pain management when I curled up on a bed.

Every ten minutes or so, a nurse came to check my progress. And I remember that I was hopeless when the clock struck midnight and I still on 4cm.

The ballon plug was pulled around 1am. Meaning I was 5 or 6cm dilated. Oh my lord, it feels like forever! I was exhausted, my mental strenght was wiggly, and I need to poo. The worst situation ever, because the nurse told me to hold any urge to push anything yet.

At 2am, I was curled up in the bed, holding (or probably grasping) my husband arms everytime a contraction came. My mother in law devotedly rub my lower back, and my mother was sleeping on a couch. (Mom, not cool)

At 3am, my mouth was dry for whispering out God's name for 2 hours non-stop. And each of my contraction was 30 seconds away, and the duration is ridiculously longger. My lower back was in an excrutiating pain (not only the pain but mostly because I had to stop the urge to push). I thought that I will be on labor forever.

At 4am, I was half fainted. Nervously checking the clock everytime a long and painful contraction ends. I was only able to glance at it though, because another contraction was already on the way. I remember pulling my husband hair out of pain and despair..

At 5am, I lost most of my mental strength, and totally exhaust my energy. I was so sure that I will deliver the baby in no time. But apparently I was still on 7cm. The exhausted nurse told me that she already called my OB and I will have the labor soon.

Not long after the nurse left my room, I have two consecutive contraction and I couldn't gather my body to stop the urge! So I told my husband (more of yelled, actually) that I couldn't stand it anymore, I need to push!

He jumped off the chair and told the nurse. Then came a package of nurses and equipments, and pretty soon the doctor joined in. I can't describe the relief and joy of seeing my OB in the room! Finally!

I remember it was started around 6am, perhaps 6:30 because it was already bright outside.

My OB check my dilation and gave an OK to push. She briefed me about the breathing and pushing methods, then asked a nurse to support my legs because I didn't have any energy to keep them apart.
First contraction came. I pushed and I pushed and I pushed. But he's not there yet.

Quite frankly, the pushing part was the easiest process. And I enjoyed being free to push after so many hours of desperation.

On the second round, yhe doc realise that my full bladder blocking up the birth canal, so they put a cathether to tap it out.

Knowing I'm atshmatic, the doctor gave me an oxygent supply to help my breathing technique. And she assign another nurse just to support my head and torso. So it was two nurse both sides, not to mention another two to assist the doctor, and a nurse to clean up my mess.

Another contraction came. It was the third contraction. I pushed, I pushed, and pushed, but Arik was still shy.

The doc told me that if the baby wouldn't came out in the next contraction, she had to vacuum him out.
I hate vacuum procedure.

My husband grasped my hands harder and told me that I was good and I just need another push.  That was enough reason to building up my mental, spiritual, and physical power for the next round.

On the forth contraction, after mustering up my strength and focus, I pushed very hard, and my water broke! Oh my lord, it was the nicest feeling in the last 7 hours.. People start to cheer and encourage me to give juuuust another push!

Another heartful push, and my dear son was born...

I was laughing and crying at the same time..

A big relief...
A mission accomplished, at 7:20 am.

@dinarkarani

The first photo of Arik

Forgetful Dinar

It’s extremely easy to break off a good habit, easier than forgetting someone’s name.

Dulu, duluu sekali saya adalah seorang ‘decorated forgetful’. Apa-apa saja saya lupakan. PR, waktu, perintah ortu, janji-janji, buku yang saya pinjam, barang-barang kecil, nama orang-orang, solat, whatever. Untung saya tidak pernah lupa diri (kayaknya).

Tapi waktu SMA ibu saya berkomentar dengan jengkelnya (waktu itu saya naik turun tangga empat kali untuk mencari lokasi terakhir benda yang saya hilangkan), “Makanya, apa-apa itu harus konsentrasi!”

Saat dengar gerutuan itu, saya sendiri mencibir, ini sih bukan karena ga konsentrasi, tapi murni karena memori saya pendek-pendek. (Saat itu saya selalu menyalahkan sirkuit otak remaja yang sering konslet) Tapi komentar itu bikin saya penasaran juga, apakah jika saya lebih konsentrasi sifat pelupa saya bakal hilang? Like, completely gone? 

Akhirnya, dengan semangat remaja yang menggebu-gebu, besoknya saya coba resep Konsentrasi ini. Saya mencoba berkonsentrasi penuh sepanjang hari, tidak memberi waktu bagi ‘malaweung-time’ alias ‘auto-mode’ yang biasanya saya gunakan. Dan Alhamdulillah, praise be to Allah, ternyata sifat pelupa saya hilang 99%!

Saat itu saya terpana dan yakin 100%, bahwa ternyata kekuatannya ada di taking control of our action. Karena kalau saya malaweung, ngelamun, kemungkinan lupa jadi 70% Begitu saya konsentrasi penuh, jreeeng, saya ga pernah lagi lupa dimana saya taruh kertas daftar belanja, atau buku, atau obat, atau buang sampah ke tempatnya. Saya bebaaass!

Bebas?

Ga juga.

Karena hampir 5 tahun kemudian, tiba-tiba sifat pelupa saya kembali. Gara-garanya simple, habbit saya untuk konsentrasi penuh ternodai dengan eagerness saya untuk memahami posisi saya di dunia (atau tempat kerja to be exact). Karena saya begitu berusahanya untuk berkonsentrasi untuk memosisikan diri saya pada tempat yang ‘benar’. Dan akhirnya good habbit untuk berkonsentrasi pada action jadi pudar, digantikan oleh konsentrasi pada gagasan.

I was so full of ideas, and also so full of bullshit. Because all I do was thinking and groaning and moaning, with so little emphasis on actions. Thus, my memory was fading (replaced by my silly unneeded thoughts), and I keep forgetting things. I forgot my bestfriends’ birthdays, forgot how lucky I was to have so many love, forgot to thank God that I was alive and healthy, and so on.  Sadly, things that I mostly forget, was actually the best thing in life, My Transcendental Self.

Untunglah masih belum terlambat bagi saya untuk menghentikan habbit buruk ini, dan kembali menjadi diri saya sendiri. Kembali berkonsentrasi pada aksi. Bayangkan jika saya mati saat saya dalam keadaan begitu, apa kira-kira yang bisa saya pertanggung-jawabkan pada Tuhan dan pada atasan-atasan saya? Fiuh.. not much I guess.

Ambil Kunci Emas dari pengalaman saya ini, teman, please, stop thinking about your place in Life, and start giving. It’s your contribution that matter, not your idea of yourself.

@dinarkarani